Why you keep dating Avoidant Partners – and the Self Erasure Nobody talks about
If you’ve ever found yourself asking:
“Why do I always attract emotionally unavailable people?”
“Why does it start well and then slowly disappear?”
“Why do I keep trying to understand someone who won’t meet me halfway?”
You’re not alone — and you’re not broken.
But the answer isn’t just “don’t date avoidants.”
That advice is incomplete.
Because what most people never talk about is self-erasure — the quiet, invisible pattern that keeps the cycle alive.
What Dating an Avoidant Really Looks Like
Avoidant partners aren’t always cold, distant, or cruel.
Often, they are:
charming at the beginning consistent just enough to keep hope alive emotionally present in bursts uncomfortable when real needs surface
They withdraw not because you did something wrong —
but because intimacy triggers their loss of control.
So the relationship becomes a loop:
connection → distance → confusion → self-blame → trying harder.
The Missing Piece: Self-Erasure
Here’s the uncomfortable truth:
Many people who keep dating avoidant partners are not fully emotionally available either — just in a different way.
This is where self-erasure shows up.
Self-erasure doesn’t look like coldness.
It looks like being “understanding.”
You might:
explain away behaviour that hurts you minimise your needs to keep the peace stay quiet instead of asking for clarity tell yourself “he’s just stressed” or “he’s trying” disappear internally to avoid conflict
You’re present — but you slowly erase yourself.
And self-erasure is also a form of emotional unavailability.
Why Avoidants and Self-Erasing Partners Attract Each Other
Both patterns share the same fear:
Fear of being fully seen and needing something back.
One avoids by pulling away.
The other avoids by shrinking.
Neither is “wrong.”
But together, they create a relationship where:
intimacy is inconsistent needs feel unsafe clarity never arrives
And the longer it lasts, the harder it is to leave — because you keep hoping understanding will fix it.
It won’t.
Why “Just Don’t Date Avoidants” Isn’t Enough
Avoidance isn’t healed by:
loving harder explaining better being more patient waiting for potential
And it isn’t healed by blaming yourself either.
Real change begins when you stop asking:
“Why can’t they commit?”
And start asking:
“Where am I disappearing to stay connected?”
That’s the moment the pattern breaks.
What Secure Love Actually Feels Like
Healthy connection doesn’t require:
guessing managing emotions for two people proving your worth through tolerance
Secure love feels:
calm mutual consistent clear
You don’t feel like you’re “too much.”
You don’t feel like you’re waiting to be chosen.
You feel like you can exist fully.
If This Resonates, Here’s Your Next Step
I wrote my book Don’t Date Avoidants for people who are tired of repeating the same relationship patterns — and ready to stop erasing themselves in the process.
It’s not about diagnosing anyone.
It’s about clarity, boundaries, and choosing yourself without guilt.
👉 You can get the book here:
If you recognised yourself while reading this, trust that recognition.
Awareness is the beginning of change.
About the Author
Julia Shantal is a Style & Visibility Expert and author who helps women reclaim presence, self-worth, and clarity — in life, relationships, and identity. Through her work, she blends lived experience with grounded insight to help women stop disappearing in places they’re meant to be met.
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