Intimacy is not Sex

(And Confusing the Two Is Why So Many Women Get Stuck)

For a long time, I thought intimacy meant closeness.

Deep conversations.

Late-night talks.

Physical connection.

I thought if two people slept together, something meaningful had happened.

Now I know this clearly:
Intimacy is not sex.

Sex can happen without intimacy very easily.

True intimacy cannot happen without safety, consistency, and time.

Why this confusion keeps hurting women

Many emotionally unavailable or avoidant men are actually very good at creating sexual closeness.

They:

• open up late at night
• share personal stories
• create emotional intensity
• move quickly into physical intimacy

It feels deep.

It feels special.

It feels like intimacy.

But after sex, something important doesn’t happen.

There is no increase in:

• consistency
• clarity
• inclusion in his life
• structure

Instead, things become:

• ambiguous
• quieter
• emotionally confusing

That’s because what was built was chemistry, not intimacy.

What intimacy actually is

Intimacy looks much quieter than we were taught to expect.

Intimacy is:

• emotional safety
• predictability over time
• being included in someone’s real life
• knowing where you stand
• repair after conflict
• calm, not urgency

Intimacy doesn’t spike your nervous system.

It steadies it.

If you feel constantly alert, hopeful, anxious, or waiting —

that’s not intimacy.

That’s activation.

Why secure men often feel “less exciting” at first

Secure men usually don’t rush physical intimacy.

Not because they lack desire —

but because intimacy isn’t scarce to them.

They build connection through:

• presence
• consistency
• follow-through
• shared reality

There’s less drama.

Less intensity.

More calm.

And for women who are used to emotional highs and lows, calm can feel unfamiliar — even boring.

Until one day, you realise:

Calm feels like relief.

The truth that changes everything

Sex creates closeness.

Intimacy creates continuity.

Sex can happen in one night.

Intimacy is proven over time.

This is why timing alone doesn’t define whether a man is secure or avoidant.

What matters is what happens after intimacy.

Does his presence stabilise — or disappear?

Does clarity increase — or confusion?

Do you feel more grounded — or more anxious?

Your body always knows the answer.

Why I wrote my book

I wrote my book because I kept seeing the same pattern in women like me:

Good women.

Self-aware women.

Capable women.

Mistaking emotional intensity and physical closeness for intimacy —

and then blaming themselves when things didn’t become real.

My book helps you:
recognise the difference between intimacy and chemistry

spot avoidant dynamics early

understand why calm feels unfamiliar if you grew up with emotional inconsistency

stop abandoning yourself while waiting for someone to choose you

This isn’t about playing games or withholding sex.

It’s about no longer confusing access with bond.

If this article resonated with you

📘 You can read the full work here:

👉 juliashantal.com

This book is for women who are done:

overfunctioning in love

over-explaining their needs

calling anxiety “connection”

And ready to experience intimacy as safety, clarity, and continuity — not chaos.